Christmas has overtaken my world with a rush of activity, smells and sights that I love and loathe alike. Candies, songs, memories and expectations all smash together into a big ball of joy and stress careening down the snowy hill of December and poised to crash awkwardly into the New Year. Somehow in the midst of the chaos, prodded along by the adventurous prelude song on the “Land Before Time” movie and a glance at the snowy mountains out my window, my mind was transported ahead of the ball and into a January where peace reigned supreme and chaos was beaten into submission by my mind and careful preparation resulting in a foundation upon which I could build a successful 2018. By successful I mean that I made my way though it not haphazardly but purposely.
I turned off my electronic distractions and allowed myself to fully drift into this illusion. I envisioned the things that my heart truly loves and that really matter to me and my happiness. I realized what I had to do. I opened my junk drawer and proceeded to fumble through it, I shoved aside a multitude of broken pencils and leaky markers, a ripped phonebook and a deck of cards. I pulled from the randomness a notebook and flipped through the pages of little kid drawings and scrawling grocery lists to find a blank sheet. I proceeded to fill it with everything that really matters to me. My mind was working again and I didn’t want to lose this feeling…real creative thought. The last couple of months had been difficult for me. I had lost my ability to be creative and during some of my worst moments I had lost myself completely. Thanks to friends and family who are always there to nudge me on I had been on the upswing as of late but this moment was the first time in a long time where my mind was free and happy enough to want to create.
The juices started flowing and my mind raced with anticipation at the thought of the possibilities. It was like the hot horse with a rider holding him back then suddenly releasing the rein and spurring him ahead with ferocity and vision. I was free again and I was going to take my freedom and run. I knew things now, things that I had not known before. I had come to grips with my humanity. I had seen the darkest sides of myself and stared them in the face. I accepted my inability to always fix my own problems and allowed myself to let go of personal expectations. For a long time I had refused to deal with some deep hurts and things that I didn’t understand. I did it because I needed to focus on my children and my family and at the time I feel that I had made the right decision but the time had come where I could no longer ignore these things inside me that were slowly killing me and my heart. They were stifling my creativity and drive and stealing my joy and ambition. I will go into more detail about these experiences, their sources and what I am doing to combat this in my life when I am further down that path. It is something that I want to share as I believe there are elements in it that may help someone else whom might be struggling with some of the same things that I have.
Today is not the right time to share all of that but I do want to share the hopes that I have for my new year and the clarity of focus I have on what I want my priorities to be. Two weeks ago I would have looked at you with a blank stare if you had asked me what I wanted to focus on next year. Not because I didn’t have a mass of dreams bouncing around in my head but because sorting through them and organizing them into a tangible prioritized list would have been impossible. Today I can and today I have. I came up with 5 priorities for January. These are not New Year’s resolutions these are just the 5 places that I want to focus my energy and time and right now that is all I can hope for.
#1 Family – My purest joy and fulfillment comes from the relationship that I have with my husband and my children and often I place that on the back burner and this year it is going to come in first. My oldest daughter turned ten this November and as she sat on Santa’s lap last week I realized just how big she is. It dawned on me that she is growing up. She won’t have many years left of wanting to sit on Santa’s lap and more than half of my beautiful baby girl’s childhood is gone. How much of that have I spent struggling and only having half of myself to give to her, her joy, her knowledge, her experiences and her life. These babies grow too fast and I refuse to let any more of it slip away.
#2 Fitness – My health is so connected to my pursuit of fitness. This is a never ending part of my life and I will continue to challenge myself and seek to ever grow stronger and more capable physically.
#3 Therapy – My struggles stem from some complicated past experiences and they are not something that time has healed or self help has solved. It is time for me to face these demons head on with an experienced professional so that I can move past them and be fully alive and fully involved in my own journey and that of my husband and children. It is time and it won’t be easy but the challenge is just another hurdle for me to overcome and I know now that there is nothing to large or to difficult. It can be dealt with and I know I can move past it and I will.
#4 Nutrition Study – I am beginning my study to earn my Fitness Nutrition Specialist certification from NASM. This will pair with my current NASM Certified Personal Trainer certification that I use to do online personal training and will enhance my ability to help clients manage their nutrition to compliment their lifestyle and reach their specific goals. I always want to be learning and growing my mind so I am quite looking forward to investing time into this.
#5 Wolf Hunting – Finally, hunting is my form of soul purification. Getting out alone and breathing fresh air surrounded by a huge world full of unique critters and snow just fuels my desire for abundant life and I am going to dedicate some time to this activity. If I end up connecting with a wolf that will simply be the icing on the cake for me.
These are my priorities this January and I will be putting most of my time, energy and ambition into these life enhancing things. I hope your holidays are joy filled and your New Year full of memories that last. Thank you for following along on my journey with me and I will continue to share with you the lessons I learn on these adventures. Life is going to take us for a ride. Some of it will be fun, some heartbreaking, some scary and some valuable. I tell my kids that no matter what life throws at us we need to take it and learn from it then use it to help us become better than we were yesterday. That is not always easy and I fail at it but if that is the goal then I will be a better person than I was in 2017 and in 2019 I will be a better person yet. The only one who can limit my potential is me. Keep your eye on the prize and your nose to the grindstone and I will too.