As I watch the wide world of the internet I often see egos attempting to rule the space. Accounts labeled “Public Figure” multiply in staggering amounts on a daily basis. I love having people to look up to and people who motivate me, people who encourage me to strive to be better and to seek after the best version of myself that I can be. These people are not usually looking to fill that role in my life or in anyone else’s for that matter. They are simply striving to live their best life and that is infectious.
I find myself teary eyed as I try to put to paper what is in my head right now and me teary eyed is not something that you will see often. It is a rare occurrence not because I have no emotions or I am disconnected but crying is just not my go to for dealing with the emotions that I do have…and sometimes I can be disconnected and have no emotions. I’m a work in progress, ok. Imperfections in my mind and character are prevalent and I won’t attempt to deny it. I grew up being taught that humility is an essential human characteristic if you want to thrive and be able to learn and grow and I hold that truth in high regard to this day. Often when I post pictures on my social media pages I pause and almost delete them because I don’t ever want to come across as pious or as if I am trying to flaunt myself or my accomplishments however big or small. I share my life and I have to admit that often it is reluctantly. Yet, I do still share it and the more I share the more that I hear, from those who are following along, that they appreciate it. I get daily messages from people whom I interact with, expressing that I motivate them and inspire them. Gulp. When I get messages like this my immediate reaction is to feel grateful and thankful that I was able to provide something positive in their day but then I suddenly feel self conscious and overwhelmed by the thought that I am actually having a small impact on those who are watching what I am doing and I don’t feel worthy of that status. Obviously my impact is incredibly small but even having a small impact seems like something that should be placed in the hands of someone else, not me. I haven’t been sharing my life in the hopes that I would someday be an inspiration. To be honest I had no good reason at all to share my life aside from that fact that I enjoyed doing it. I have no plan to become an “Influencer” or to have some kind of “Reach” yet here I am realizing that I have the ability to positively or negatively affect those who have chosen to place value on what I have to say and I take that seriously.
I overthink things. Always. I know it sometimes can be a negative trait about me but I look at it as a way to try and minimize my personal regrets in life. It isn’t fail proof because I do have regrets but they are few and I equate that to overthinking the decisions that I make. I also equate some of my anxiety in life to overthinking the decisions that I make but it is what it is. This blog post doesn’t have much to offer you but a slight glimpse into the crazy mind of Lindsay. I have been researching an opportunity that was dropped into my lap and through the research I came to understand better the kind of reach I now find myself having and those realizations caused an emotional response within me that I couldn’t deny or ignore. It was a complicated combination of excitement at the potential opportunities available to me and a strange kind of sadness and fear at having the simplicity of what I do taken away. I was blissfully oblivious before, simply sharing my life and having no idea how far it was really going and who all was watching. I know that each and every one of us is like a raindrop affecting all those surrounding us as we splash our way into the lake of life. The affect we have ripples through those close to us and then those close to them and who knows how far of a reach we each really have. We never know who we may be blessing or cursing with each decision that we make. Sometimes we see it but often we do not. I grew up with an understanding of this but when I can actually look at a blog that I wrote and see that is has affected people across the globe it boggles my mind.
I can’t pretend that having even a small influence in the world around me doesn’t make me nervous but I can honestly say that now that I am aware of it I will strive even more to make sure that what I bring to the table has a positive and beneficial effect on those of you who have chosen to let me impact your day. I thank you all for the support you have shown to me and though I don’t understand why you let me be a positive driving force for you, I accept it and will strive not to cause you to regret that decision. Christmas and the end of 2018 are breathing down my neck and I am not one to make New Years resolutions or get all sappy about the changing of the year as it is really nothing but a new day. I do appreciate the chance to look back at the last year though and overthink it in my typical way. I ponder all of the new lessons I have learned, lament my mistakes and enjoy my successes. I hope as you turn the odometer of life into the next 365 days that you can look backward in retrospect and like what you see and take lessons from it to carry into 2019. May we be positive drops in the lake and spread encouragement to those influenced in the ripples. Let’s avoid drowning anyone in our wake next year.